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Breaking Down the Psychology of Social Selling

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More than 40 years ago, Stanford professor Walter Mischel conducted an experiment now commonly referred to as the “Marshmallow Experiment”. In this experiment a child was placed in a room and was presented with a treat. The child had the choice to either eat the treat now or wait 15 minutes and receive two treats.

This now famous study tested the ability of a child to resist the natural inclination toward instant gratification for a more favorable long-term reward. The children in the study who were able to resist were much more successful later in life and made better life choices.

The psychology of social selling really comes down to building lasting relationships and potentially sacrificing instant insincere sales for more favorable long-term results. Sales are the byproduct of relationships not the other way around. No question that you can pound the pavement and hit your quota; however, building lasting relationships will always produce greater long-term success, even if only realized in the long term.

My wife recently entertained the solicitation of a door-to-door salesperson that cared only about pushing their subscription-based product. The sales person was so pushy that my wife finally relented just to get the sales person out the doorway and on her way. The tactic ultimately backfired as my wife called and canceled the subscription before it ever got started.

SocialSelling-banner1Social selling is not new, it’s just another way of discovering the interests of someone so you can begin a meaningful conversation. When someone is posting their interests and achievements, that’s an open invitation for you to talk to them about it. It comes down to basic human needs: people need to connect, both neurologically and physically. It’s about them, not about you. Allow your prospects to talk and actively listen. When you’re doing most of the talking, you’re not building relationships you’re dictating them.

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Having a hard time trying to figure out how to shift the conversation? Try this:

  1. Get prospects to talk about their success. Ask them about how they got to where they are in their career, their challenges and failures, their interests and achievements. Show that you care about them as a person.

  2.  I believe it takes most people less than 5 seconds to know your intent. Never present a façade; always be genuine, be respectful, and be witty. Nothing turns the tide of a sales call faster than arrogance and entitlement, (e.g. “Do you know to whom you’re talking? I’m the {insert ostentatious title] from Company XYZ!” – bad idea, wrong attitude).

  3.  Build relationships based on trust and accountability. Do what you say you will do and when you say you will do it. If for some reason it’s not going to happen, be sure to contact them and let them know what to expect instead.

  4. Never insult a person even in jest. Never stereotype and make sweeping generalizations about gender or religion. We are talking first impressions here. Be genuine and don’t offend. 

One might think that some of these principles are obvious, but I’m amazed at how many sales calls I listen to where they are simply ignored.

I recently received a call from a company looking to provide salary and cloud based compensation software. The sales rep was personable and interested in me, my role, and even commented that it sounded like I had a cold—which I did. Overall I was intrigued but not that interested until the next day when a package shows up on my desk. Opening the package revealed a box of herbal tea with a note, “Thought you could use this, hope you get feeling better”. I went from slightly interested to very impressed and all it took was a simple gesture from the sales person that said, “I care about you as an individual not just in your business”.


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So what is the profile of a good social selling rep (SSR)? Where SSR’s are valuable resources across the entire sales funnel, the most value will come in qualifying leads and setting appointments. Look for these qualities and you’re sure to succeed.

  1. Personable—good communications skills, both written and verbal.

  2. Genuine—a “people person”, one who loves to talk, listen, and is interested in others.

  3. Empathic—not just sympathetic but has the ability to do things that make a difference in others.

  4. Determined—loves a challenge and will face it head on.

  5. Passionate—enjoys taking notes and recording the subtle details not just the summary.

  6. Witty—quick on his or her feet. Someone who is ok with a “no” but willing to try another angle before just giving up. Thinking on one’s feet is not often a skill that is taught but a personality trait that’s possessed by a select few.

  7. Unique—uniqueness (not uniformity) is what stands out and demands attention.

  8. Persistence—willing to keep trying. Thrives on a challenge. 

If you truly care about an individual and what they are interested in, you will always succeed in your sales career. It takes effort and, most of the time, multiple outreaches to someone to really show them that you care. But watch out, you may also develop some life-long friendships along the way.

The Psychology of social selling is about developing real relationships and caring about the individual and not just about the sale. It comes down to hiring the right people with the right personality, then teaching them behavior that will drive real results.

SocialSelling-banner3I’m convinced that it’s the right move for any business but don’t just leave it up to chance—measure it, test it, and, ultimately, adopt it.


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